Winslet Nominated for Further Award

(Published in 'The Tart', 15 January 2009).

British actress Kate Winslet's extraordinary run of success has continued today, with her nomination for yet another prestigious award.

The British Luvvies Foundation today nominated Ms Winslet, 33, for 'Best Breathlessness in an Awards Acceptance Speech', following her exceptional performance in the Golden Globes.

Ms Winslet's tour de force as a hyperventilatory winner has been applauded by the critics, with Derek Malcolm of the Evening Standard describing it as 'a triumph of emphysematous excellence'.

A spokesman for Ms Winslet said, "Kate is ecstatic to be nominated for this award by the BLF. She is looking forward to the ceremony, when she plans to raise the bar for awards winners everywhere with a bravura performance of wheezing - culminating in her giving her acceptance speech from the back of an ambulance while on a ventilator.

"Kate's nomination for this award shows that the British Luvvie Industry is still producing the best-quality overreactions in the world. Emma Thompson wasn't a fluke".

Apple CEO in Medical Absence Shock

(Published in 'The Spoof', 15 January 2009).

Apple CEO and technological visionary Steve Jobs has announced he is temporarily stepping down as Chief Executive of the company he co-founded to take medical leave.

Apple spokesman Mac Fanboi denied reports that Jobs will not return, explaining that the absence was necessary for surgery to remove a malignant black turtleneck pullover which has been symbiotically attached to Jobs since 1999.

Thought by the Apple faithful to be a symbol of Jobs' commitment to minimalist functionality, Scientists have established that the turtleneck is in fact a parasitical creature feeding off its host, and in return channeling its brainwaves through Mr Jobs, a symbiotic relationship now thought to have been responsible for the creation of the iPod.

Mr Fanboi also added that Jobs' absence from the recent Macworld Expo was due to him receiving grief counselling in preparation for the removal of the pullover which is likely to have a negative impact on Apple's product innovation, possibly resulting in items as unpopular as the Apple Lisa.

Apple devotees have reacted with shock to the news, with many openly praying in the streets and at makeshift shrines in support of their technological guru. There have been reports of suicides, and a growing Facebook group calling for Mr Jobs to retain the turtleneck until a new iPhone Nano has been developed.

The turtleneck was unavailable for comment.

Darling's Eyebrows 'On Strike'

(Published in 'The Tart', 15 January 2009).

Alistair Darling's eyebrows have today announced an unscheduled walkout, citing poor working conditions as the reason for their industrial action.

Their decision to strike was taken following an interview with Sky's Jeff Randall, during which the Chancellor refused to apologise for Labour's mishandling of the economy in the run-up to the current Recession.

In a statement, Left Eyebrow said, "It's just impossible to work in these conditions any more. We're being tarred with the same brush as the rest of the Chancellor's body, and we refuse to be held responsible for his incompetence. And we don't want to have to listen to any more of the limp rubbish Gordon tells him to spout, it's making us go droopy."

He added, "It's not even as if we're treated as a part of his body. I mean, we don't even match his hair. It makes us stand out, it's discriminatory, and we end up being used as a diversion from the real issues."

The eyebrows were originally believed to be Saddam Hussein's moustache, liberated from the Presidential Palace in Baghdad following the 2003 invasion. However, this was proved to be false in 2006, when it was announced that far from being a spoil of war, the eyebrows were just a stupid, bushy appendage to Gordon Brown's sock-puppet.

A meeting has been scheduled at the conciliation service ACAS in an attempt to allow Mr Darling's eyebrows to air their grievances.

Cameron Calls for Commons Reform

(Published in 'The Spoof', 14 January 2009).

In an unprecedented statement, Opposition Leader David Cameron has described the workings of the House of Commons as "archaic" and called for urgent reform.

In an address to the Batley Townswomens' Guild, Mr Cameron said that in these difficult times, it was time to bring an end to 'Punch and Judy politics', and offered his vision of a new Parliamentary system.

"The fact is, the Parliamentary system is archaic and fails to engage", Mr Cameron said. "We need to get away from the 'Punch and Judy' politics of the past. Having seen 'Dick Whittington' the other day, I am therefore calling for the urgent reform of the Commons to adopt Pantomime procedures."

"The Opposition would be required to have a good-looking girl, dressed as a boy, as their Leader. Lord Mandelson can be King Rat - that shouldn't be too difficult - and the Lib-Dem Leader can be Buttons. "Gordon Brown can play the Dame - that might also improve the way he dresses, which would be a bonus."

Mr Cameron added, "the introduction of 'Pantomime Politics' will also allow backbenchers greater engagement in the debate process. No longer will they be reduced simply to mumbling 'Hear, Hear' at pronouncements - instead, if a Government Minister says something is happening, backbenchers can shout 'Oh No It Isn't!!', with the Government retort of 'Oh Yes It Is!!' clearly leading to extended debates - though I concede that they may be limited in depth."

The Lobby system would also be scrapped under the Opposition proposals, with the Speaker deciding the outcome of votes based on which side of the audience House had shouted the loudest.

The Minister for Justics, Jack Straw, said that Mr Cameron's proposals had merit, as long as he could play Baron Hardup.

Bin Laden Calls for New Jihad

(Published in The Tart, 14 January 2009).

Al-Qaeda's elusive leader Osama Bin Laden has called for a new Jihad in a new audio tape released to the Reuters news agency today.

In the latest tape, which is being checked for authenticity by the CIA, Bin Laden called for all Muslims to declare a Holy War on the Starbucks chain, after they reportedly served him with a substandard Vente Halal Decaf Latte.

Describing Starbucks as 'The Coffee Satan'. Bin Laden called for the faithful to unite, saying, "it is an insult to the will of Allah that a terrorist can't get his morning coffee served the way he wants it. It's hard enough to get motivated most mornings anyway after a night in the cave, all I want is a fricking Latte, insh'Allah.

"Yet the bloody baristas at Tora Bora Starbucks keep forgetting to give me a double shot, and don't heat the milk enough. It is a direct affront to the Muslim people and we must strike back at these Satanic purveyors of crap coffee with the full force of the Faithful."

Bin Laden reportedly continued in a similar vein for some 30 minutes, before finally denouncing all those who take brown sugar in espresso as 'infidels' and calling for their execution.

A Starbucks barista, contacted for comment while this reporter was buying his morning mocha, declined to comment.

Too Fat to Love?

(Published on Dad-O-Matic, 13 January 2009)

The Government are frequently heard to proclaim that 'families' are the most important thing in life. We all know that a stable family environment is good for the development of happy children.

We also know the statistics - that children in Local Authority Care tend to perform less well in school, garner fewer qualifications and have lower chances in life than those from a family environment.

The importance of adoption cannot be overestimated. Adopted children are rescued from the State care system and, if the system is implemented properly, placed in loving environments where they can flourish. That, surely, is better than the alternative stagnant future for a child in care.

Yet it would seem that to Leeds City Council, the future well-being of a child is less important than whether the parents eat All-Bran.

Parents banned from giving a child the loving home all children need. Not because they're alcoholics, smokers, drug addicts or benefits sponges - but because the prospective Dad is overweight. It's revolting. Do the worthies at Leeds City Council really think that the love of a child is dependent upon the body shape of the parent?

Or is it just that their Nannying imperative is now so strong, their need to ensure that the lost kids of Britain, already abandoned (for whatever reason) by one set of parents, deserve only the unfeeling bureaucracy of the State as a future?

The Righteous of Leeds City Council should hang their heads in shame for the child they have just condemned.

Rare Species Confirmed Extinct

(Published in 'The Tart', 12 January 2009.)

Researchers have revealed today that an extremely rare UK species is now confirmed extinct.

The species, Liebore Politicus Competentus, was thought by scientists to have just a few living specimens hiding in the back-benches of the Palace of Westminster. However, research and genetic tests have now shown that the species came perilously close to destruction in the 1950's, with the last pure example believed to have been Aneurin Bevan. The final extinction seems to have come in the mid-1990's.

David Attenborough, who has been acting as patron and spokesman for the research, said, "'Politicus Competentus' was always a rare breed, able to make intelligent decisions for the wider good rather than for its own survival. The 'Liebore' strain of the species was even less frequently seen, and we can now conclusively say that it's completely extinct".

He added, "The species was taken over by a parasite identified as 'NuLabia Taxspendia Moronicae' - but we're fairly certain that will also be extinct by the middle of 2010".

It is believed that the species died out after a surfeit of expenses resulted in a radical change in their diet. Further damage was done following an outbreak of Foot Disease in the early 1980s, before the species eventually died out completely in the Blairitis pandemic of 2004.

Previously, scientists had thought there was a still-living throwback in Dennis Skinner MP, however it has now been shown that he is the last-living example of the species 'Loonyleftus Loudmouthae' thought to have been around in the time of the dinosaurs.

The researchers are now turning their attentions to the other side of the House, where they are hoping against hope to find some proof that 'Toryae Politicus Competentus' is still alive.

Prince Harry In Race Row

(Published in 'The Tart', 12 January 2009.)

St James' Palace issued an unreserved apology last night following remarks by Prince Harry derided by critics as 'sensitive' and 'sensible'.

In an as-yet-unpublished interview with the Prince conducted in Afghanistan, Harry was reported to have given a clear, concise and unbiased account of himself, and there was outrage at his failure to use racist or derogatory terms such as 'raghead' about the people who had been trying to kill him and his platoon.

His Royal Highness then referred to an Asian officer as, "my competent and esteemed friend, who is a member of an ethnic minority group", a remark which has shocked tabloid Royal-watchers.

Scumbag McRepublic, Royal Correspondent for The Sunday Sport, said, "It's disgusting. When a Royal Prince is being sensible, it just outrages public values. He should be living up to expectation - falling out of nighclubs drunk, wearing Nazi uniforms and being crass. This stupid act by the Prince means we'll now have to dredge up three-year-old events, misrepresent them and find people to be creatively offended. It's very inconsiderate of Harry".

In a statement, St James' Palace issued an unreserved apology for any surprise caused by the Prince saying something sensible, adding, "Harry has caused a lot of disappointment in the family with his remarks, which damages our perception in the tabloids. We plan to sit him down with his grandfather Prince Philip, who will teach him the necessary skills to cause the regular diplomatic incidents expected of a Windsor".

Government Announces New Data Loss Method

Published in 'The Tart', 9 January 2009

The Government has introduced new legislation on email storage, following a revelation that there was no private data left to be lost any more.

From March, all Internet Service Providers will have to keep information about every single email sent or received over the previous year. This information is to be held by a private company, Data Losss Services PLC, who will ensure that it is left in adequately public places on a regular basis.

A Home Office Spokesman said, "the sad fact is, we have seen a reduction in the number of data-loss incidents in the last quarter of 2008, made worse by people attempting to keep their private data private. Obviously this is not acceptable, and the new policy will ensure this Government has many more opportunities to lose the private data of the general public in future".

Data Loss Services PLC, who won the contract for the Governments information-mishandling requirements last year after their salesman left the tender documentation in a porn cinema in Birmingham, have insisted that they can provide a higher level of incompetence than Government departments themselves.

Derek Lostit, CEO of Data Loss Services, said, "There is a clear need for some new, radical thinking in the data-incompetence field, and we are the company to provide it. We need to look past the usual 'laptop on train' scenario, and with the new mass of private data being provided by this legislation, we are confident of finding innovative ways to lose personal details.

For example, we are planning a major first in the data mismanagement world shortly after the law comes into effect, with the inadvertent posting of three million sets of bank details to a Nigerian prince we've been chatting with".