Book Review: 'Dad Rules', by Andrew Clover

(Published on babyworld, October 2008)

They say 'first impressions count', but in all honesty I'm not so sure.

In 1863 the Chicago Times said ""The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat and dishwatery utterances of the man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as the President of the United States." - about Lincoln's Gerrysburg Address. Seventy years ago, Mr Chamberlain thought that a former Army Corporal was a reasonable man Britain could do business with. Ten years ago, I met a bloke who, quite frankly, I wanted to punch within about 30 minutes of meeting him. I'm glad I didn't - he's still my best and closest friend.

The fact is, first impressions can be - and frequently are - completely erroneous. So it was with 'Dad Rules' by Andrew Clover.

The first time I tried to read this book, I managed to get about a third of the way through it before giving up in frustration. I hated it. I detested this name-dropping, self-absorbed wannabe celeb bemoaning having to do childcare instead of writing 'comedy' that, quite clearly, nobody wanted. I eagerly awaited writing this review, looking forward to the savaging I intended to give it. I dreamed of somehow getting corporal punishment back on the statute book, so I could call for the public flogging of the author, the editor and anyone involved in the publication of what I felt, strongly, was turgid, self-reverential and irrelevant tosh.

And then I read the book again. And I discovered that I was wrong.

'Dad Rules' isn't really a parenting handbook. Andrew Clover just tells you what worked for him. Yet despite disagreeing with some of his ideas (he's a little too much of a rabid 'Guardianista' when it comes to the children not having sweets, for example), what works for him is what tends to work for me with the boys.

The first part of the book, describing his fear of having kids and so on, I could live without - but once he gets going as a parent Andrew Clover brings his relationship with Grace and Cassady to life, and you end up sharing in the pleasure he gets from his girls. He gives us the secret that has worked for him - playing with his children, and learning to enjoy life the same way they do by sharing their world.

Clover shows us how playing with the kids at every opportunity has helped with every aspect of their development, even eating and food. His experiences are good suggestions for us all, and an object lesson in the use of diversion tactics to offset tantrums and the like.

On Saturday, we were out with Josh, who has apparently learned about frogs at school.. and I found myself frog-hopping along with Josh through Oxford's covered market, 'ribbiting' as I did so, completely oblivious to the stares of adults and conscious of little other than the joyous giggling of my froggie son.

And I thought - Andrew Clover gets it. He really does. This is what being a parent should be about.

On second reading, I love this book, and I give it a solid five stars as both an enjoyable read and for the advice it contains. And trust me - if you hate it the first time, go and mess about with your kids for a while, and read it again. You'll change your mind.

Review: Haynes Toddler 'Owners Workshop Manual'

(Published on babyworld, 23 October 2008)

The Haynes Manual.

First resort of every man who thinks he's a mechanic, oily, well-thumbed copies of Haynes Manuals reside in garages all over the world.

But while the mechanical benefits of the Haynes Manual are well-known and documented, how effective can such a Manual be in the face of the most difficult of all devices - the Human Toddler?

Well - truth be told, quite well actually.

Presented in majestic, Manly hardback in precisely the same style as the car manuals, the Haynes Toddler Owners Workshop Manual is concise, clear, and written by a man other blokes can respect - Dr Ian Banks, who's a recognised expert and, more importantly, has been there and done it a total of four times.

Dr. Banks' advice is well-written and worded in a style aimed clearly at men, and he conveys his required message effectively. For example, "no amount of forcing them to sit on a Daffy Duck potty in the sitting room during Blue Peter will bring self confidence any sooner. If anything, you will still be wiping up the mess by the time Top Gear comes on".

Words to live by, I think we can all agree.

The Manual deals with an exhaustive range of topics, from the standards of potty-training and bedtime routines, through employment and work advice for Dads, to the emotional issues that can come along with being a new father. All are dealt with with empathy, but without sugar-coating the issues - good, sensible advice from an experienced man that other men can respect for his experience.

For the more nervous Dads among us, the Manual also includes a welcome section on dealing with a number of ailments including poisoning, vomiting rashes and earache - all are presented in a simple flowchart style, so that Dads can make a clear diagnosis and, hopefully, avoid being yelled at by our loved ones for screwing up.

Retailing at £14.99 according to Amazon, the Haynes Toddler Owners Workshop Manual isn't the cheapest of books. But it's well worthwhile. I want to keep this copy.

If you're a Man with a Toddler - I recommend you buy one.

'Weekend Dads' Should Still be Parents

(Published on Dad-O-Matic 14/10/2008.)

So The Darling G and I were in Yo! Sushi on Saturday, and sat opposite us was a father with a somewhat uncooperative teenager. A bit of eavesdropping over our makis indicated that what we were seeing was a Weekend Dad.

They finished lunch quickly - Dad trying (and failing) to communicate, and in doing so showing a woeful lack of understanding of his son's life and activities. They then rolled off, with Dad asking directions to the cinema. I suppose the cinema made it easier for him - after all, one doesn't have to talk when watching a movie.

This is, I would imagine, a scene repeated in burger bars and tourist attractions across the country every weekend. And it got me thinking - does it really have to be like that?

I am one of the many Weekend Dads in this country. But I don't believe that being a dad at weekends means you have to be a Weekend Dad.

I see my son every Thursday evening to do bedtime stories, and we have him overnight for three weekends in every four. Additionally, we also take my former stepson, as his father only visits once every five weeks (if he's not doing anything else) and let's face it - every boy needs a regular male influence. Both The Darling G and I (and, I'm proud to say, the rest of my family) make a point of ensuring that Josh and Jay are treated absolutely equally, and both are referred to and treated as my sons. (But that's another post).

I think it's important, though, that weekend visits and the like don't descend into the 'easy stuff' - cinema, wildlife park, McDonalds and so on - because in doing so, the Weekend Dad is making it easy for himself, not his child.

Rather, I believe that it's better to take the harder route - involve the children in the normal minutae of weekends, with the normal treats that would come to a child in a normal relationship. For us, this can mean taking the boys to Argos to choose some new bedding for their bunks, then to buy some new shoes for Joshua, and stopping for a drink in Mostly Books in Abingdon rather than a fat-laden snack at Burger King. We do Jason's homework together and in the evening we eat together at the table, with no TV (and no multiple-choice dining either, there's only one choice). They get a joint bedtime story, with Jason helping me read to Josh, and they don't get outlandish bedtimes.

We keep to the same rules and discipline as anyone else would, with the same consequences.

Instead of the guilt-trip overload of expensive substitutes, the boys get regular love and affection as a child should. They get stability, a degree of routine and the ability to talk about things normally rather than, as Mr Weekend Dad was doing, an interrogation on what's happening devoid of emotional understanding.

Being a Weekend Dad is not an easy thing to do (it's even harder when one of the children has no biological link to either of you at all). I wouldn't profess to have all the answers. But I do think that by creating a family unit for the times you see the kids, rather than making every time a special occasion, you get to know your children better and establish a more stable, lasting and positive relationship.

Being A Story-Teller

When you take a look inside a book Who knows what you might see? A story or rhyme - so take the time And read along with me!

The job of Storyteller has a long and worthy history in this country and is, I'm happy to say, an old tradition that in recent years has been resurrected - and rightly so.

However, I don't think it's just the role of an official storyteller, or that of teachers, to introduce children to the wonders of the written word.

To me, teaching our kids to read and instilling them with a love of books and literature is, quite simply, one of the best gifts of love a parent can bestow.

We have the chance to show them whole new worlds inhabiting the pages; to enhance their imaginations and creative skills by showing them how characters can come to life inside their minds; to instil in them a love of the knowledge they can find within books; and to teach them that they need never be bored while there's a library nearby.

We're blessed in that we have such a vast range of authors and genres which we can use to do this. From Dr Seuss to Roald Dahl, from AA Milne to JK Rowling. It's all there for us to read to, and with, our children.

I'm not fortunate enough to be with my two boys 24/7, but I'm luckier than many in that I have plenty of access and I make time to spend with them as well. And for me, the best part of that time is reading with them, which I do every Thursday evening as well as at weekends.

With Josh, who's just three, it's mostly bedtime stories and Dr Seuss - but to see his eyes light up when we read 'The Cat in the Hat' together is just amazing. I've also started introducing him to poetry - today, for example, we were walking around the living room to AA Milne's 'Lines and Squares', stepping in time to the rhythm of the verse, both of us shouting, "Bears!" at the appropriate moment.

Then there was the wonderful moment of reciting 'Jabberwocky' - chasing a screaming Josh around the room, being 'the jaws that bite, the claws that catch'. He loves it, and he doesn't even know he's learning.

Jay, at 10, is more difficult, however Roald Dahl is always a winner. His characters are so vibrant and rounded, his goodies so good and his villians so vile, that it gains and holds the attention of even an older boy. And of course, the graphic descriptions of baddies meeting sticky ends is always popular. We're doing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - and we share the reading, so he both learns and is entertained at the same time.

I've also started bringing poetry to Jay - he needs a little help with his reading at the moment, and the cadence and structure of simple poems seems to aid both his concentration on the words and also on his expressiveness when reading. The choice of subject matter also helps - I find that snot-related verse seems to have the desired effect!

My best friend Loudmouthman recently wrote an excellent piece on the Duty and Responsibility of being a Dad, which I urge you to read. However, I believe that a big part of that responsibility is very simple.

Read with your kids.

You never know - it might even be fun.

(This piece is published on Dad-o-Matic. There's good stuff there. Go and read it.)