How to be a wicked stepdad - Babyworld, 2004

Written For: Babyworld.co.uk
Date of Publication: 2004

So you've met your ideal woman. You're in love, the sex is fantastic - you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You're embarking on a journey that's as terrifying, exhilarating, and life-changing as becoming a father the traditional way. Neil tells babyworld what it's like to be a stepdad.

The Partridge Family?

I love my two stepchildren - my ten-year-old stepdaughter (teenager attitude, 40-year-old's cynicism), and my six-year-old stepson (a hurricane in trainers) - as if they were my own. But what does it mean to be a stepdad? What will you lose? What will you gain? Where do sex and beer fit into the whole thing?

I can't claim to offer the magic that will turn your Stepdad-ship into The Partridge Family. But I know I'd have done some things differently, and maybe they're things to look out for.

The easy way out …

A friend said I'd taken the easy way out; getting an instant family instead of doing it 'properly'. While I wouldn't ever belittle how hard it is to be a birth father, people sometimes assume that it's easy to be a stepdad. It isn't. It's bloody hard.

I challenge anyone to have a first meeting with a ten-year-old who's grumpy, wants to be out with her friends, doesn't know why mummy needs another new boyfriend … get the picture?

It's HARD. Sometimes you'll wonder why you gave up your old lifestyle for the living hell you're experiencing. Steel yourself for the inevitable scream of 'You're not my dad!', which will come at some future point. It's worth it.

Father vs father

I think it's good if the children are still in contact with their natural father. My two see their father every other weekend. They look forward to it, and so does he. But you don't have to be better than their father. You don't need to beat him at parenting/ football/sex/[insert pointless pissing contest here]. Look at the facts. You're with her. He isn't. That's all that matters. It's good for a brief gloat, but leave it at that.

You're bound to get jealous when he collects them and they're screaming for cuddles and kisses. It's normal - but there are a couple of things to consider:

First, the kids see you every day. They don't see him that often. They're excited.

Second, remember that children are both perceptive and manipulative. They will sense your feelings, and play on them to gain things like McDonalds, sweets and guilt toys.

There's one BIG benefit to the kids visiting their father. Remember beer and sex? Now's your chance. No worrying if the babysitter got smashed on your vodka and left dubious stains on the sofa with her lumpish boyfriend. No children wandering into the bedroom asking for breakfast or drinks.

For a too-brief time, you and your partner can play at being single. Don't waste it. If their father wasn't around, you wouldn't get that. Ever. So maybe he is useful.

Family life

Sorry, but your new family were a family before you came along. They managed for some time without you. You coming along doesn't make an incomplete family whole. Well, not at first.

There'll be times you'll feel like an intruder, spoiling what was running smoothly. That's natural - she'll have routines established and, to be honest, you do actually stick a hefty spanner in the works.

There's kids to be fed. Housework becomes never-ending. Homework needs to be helped with. If there's more than one sibling, you're peacemakers and referees.

She's has been doing it longer than you. She knows what she's doing. Try to change her routines and you'll annoy her. Which may stop any activities after the children are in bed.

Which is bad. Especially as you're unlikely to be getting that as often as you'd like.

So don't jeopardise it. Do the hardest thing you've ever done - change yourself. Fit in with the routines already established. Be there to help with the chores and homework. DON'T assume you can do it better than she can. You can't. Watch how she does it, try to handle things the same way, and don't be afraid to ask for advice. You'll need it - I did, more times than I could count.

Because as I said- it's worth it. Every change, every sacrifice to your old lifestyle, every time you prove your reliability, the time you finally explain geometry - it'll all be rewarded.

The rewards

A while ago my stepson went on a football course. When I collected him he said 'Hi, Dad!' and gave me a kiss. When my stepdaughter went away recently, she called home and told me she missed me.

After several false starts, my frequent bad temper and untold mistakes, I've learned how to love my stepkids - and they love me back.

And that's what being a stepdad means.