Book Review: 'Dad Rules', by Andrew Clover

(Published on babyworld, October 2008)

They say 'first impressions count', but in all honesty I'm not so sure.

In 1863 the Chicago Times said ""The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat and dishwatery utterances of the man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as the President of the United States." - about Lincoln's Gerrysburg Address. Seventy years ago, Mr Chamberlain thought that a former Army Corporal was a reasonable man Britain could do business with. Ten years ago, I met a bloke who, quite frankly, I wanted to punch within about 30 minutes of meeting him. I'm glad I didn't - he's still my best and closest friend.

The fact is, first impressions can be - and frequently are - completely erroneous. So it was with 'Dad Rules' by Andrew Clover.

The first time I tried to read this book, I managed to get about a third of the way through it before giving up in frustration. I hated it. I detested this name-dropping, self-absorbed wannabe celeb bemoaning having to do childcare instead of writing 'comedy' that, quite clearly, nobody wanted. I eagerly awaited writing this review, looking forward to the savaging I intended to give it. I dreamed of somehow getting corporal punishment back on the statute book, so I could call for the public flogging of the author, the editor and anyone involved in the publication of what I felt, strongly, was turgid, self-reverential and irrelevant tosh.

And then I read the book again. And I discovered that I was wrong.

'Dad Rules' isn't really a parenting handbook. Andrew Clover just tells you what worked for him. Yet despite disagreeing with some of his ideas (he's a little too much of a rabid 'Guardianista' when it comes to the children not having sweets, for example), what works for him is what tends to work for me with the boys.

The first part of the book, describing his fear of having kids and so on, I could live without - but once he gets going as a parent Andrew Clover brings his relationship with Grace and Cassady to life, and you end up sharing in the pleasure he gets from his girls. He gives us the secret that has worked for him - playing with his children, and learning to enjoy life the same way they do by sharing their world.

Clover shows us how playing with the kids at every opportunity has helped with every aspect of their development, even eating and food. His experiences are good suggestions for us all, and an object lesson in the use of diversion tactics to offset tantrums and the like.

On Saturday, we were out with Josh, who has apparently learned about frogs at school.. and I found myself frog-hopping along with Josh through Oxford's covered market, 'ribbiting' as I did so, completely oblivious to the stares of adults and conscious of little other than the joyous giggling of my froggie son.

And I thought - Andrew Clover gets it. He really does. This is what being a parent should be about.

On second reading, I love this book, and I give it a solid five stars as both an enjoyable read and for the advice it contains. And trust me - if you hate it the first time, go and mess about with your kids for a while, and read it again. You'll change your mind.

Review: Haynes Toddler 'Owners Workshop Manual'

(Published on babyworld, 23 October 2008)

The Haynes Manual.

First resort of every man who thinks he's a mechanic, oily, well-thumbed copies of Haynes Manuals reside in garages all over the world.

But while the mechanical benefits of the Haynes Manual are well-known and documented, how effective can such a Manual be in the face of the most difficult of all devices - the Human Toddler?

Well - truth be told, quite well actually.

Presented in majestic, Manly hardback in precisely the same style as the car manuals, the Haynes Toddler Owners Workshop Manual is concise, clear, and written by a man other blokes can respect - Dr Ian Banks, who's a recognised expert and, more importantly, has been there and done it a total of four times.

Dr. Banks' advice is well-written and worded in a style aimed clearly at men, and he conveys his required message effectively. For example, "no amount of forcing them to sit on a Daffy Duck potty in the sitting room during Blue Peter will bring self confidence any sooner. If anything, you will still be wiping up the mess by the time Top Gear comes on".

Words to live by, I think we can all agree.

The Manual deals with an exhaustive range of topics, from the standards of potty-training and bedtime routines, through employment and work advice for Dads, to the emotional issues that can come along with being a new father. All are dealt with with empathy, but without sugar-coating the issues - good, sensible advice from an experienced man that other men can respect for his experience.

For the more nervous Dads among us, the Manual also includes a welcome section on dealing with a number of ailments including poisoning, vomiting rashes and earache - all are presented in a simple flowchart style, so that Dads can make a clear diagnosis and, hopefully, avoid being yelled at by our loved ones for screwing up.

Retailing at £14.99 according to Amazon, the Haynes Toddler Owners Workshop Manual isn't the cheapest of books. But it's well worthwhile. I want to keep this copy.

If you're a Man with a Toddler - I recommend you buy one.

How to be a wicked stepdad - Babyworld, 2004

Written For: Babyworld.co.uk
Date of Publication: 2004

So you've met your ideal woman. You're in love, the sex is fantastic - you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You're embarking on a journey that's as terrifying, exhilarating, and life-changing as becoming a father the traditional way. Neil tells babyworld what it's like to be a stepdad.

The Partridge Family?

I love my two stepchildren - my ten-year-old stepdaughter (teenager attitude, 40-year-old's cynicism), and my six-year-old stepson (a hurricane in trainers) - as if they were my own. But what does it mean to be a stepdad? What will you lose? What will you gain? Where do sex and beer fit into the whole thing?

I can't claim to offer the magic that will turn your Stepdad-ship into The Partridge Family. But I know I'd have done some things differently, and maybe they're things to look out for.

The easy way out …

A friend said I'd taken the easy way out; getting an instant family instead of doing it 'properly'. While I wouldn't ever belittle how hard it is to be a birth father, people sometimes assume that it's easy to be a stepdad. It isn't. It's bloody hard.

I challenge anyone to have a first meeting with a ten-year-old who's grumpy, wants to be out with her friends, doesn't know why mummy needs another new boyfriend … get the picture?

It's HARD. Sometimes you'll wonder why you gave up your old lifestyle for the living hell you're experiencing. Steel yourself for the inevitable scream of 'You're not my dad!', which will come at some future point. It's worth it.

Father vs father

I think it's good if the children are still in contact with their natural father. My two see their father every other weekend. They look forward to it, and so does he. But you don't have to be better than their father. You don't need to beat him at parenting/ football/sex/[insert pointless pissing contest here]. Look at the facts. You're with her. He isn't. That's all that matters. It's good for a brief gloat, but leave it at that.

You're bound to get jealous when he collects them and they're screaming for cuddles and kisses. It's normal - but there are a couple of things to consider:

First, the kids see you every day. They don't see him that often. They're excited.

Second, remember that children are both perceptive and manipulative. They will sense your feelings, and play on them to gain things like McDonalds, sweets and guilt toys.

There's one BIG benefit to the kids visiting their father. Remember beer and sex? Now's your chance. No worrying if the babysitter got smashed on your vodka and left dubious stains on the sofa with her lumpish boyfriend. No children wandering into the bedroom asking for breakfast or drinks.

For a too-brief time, you and your partner can play at being single. Don't waste it. If their father wasn't around, you wouldn't get that. Ever. So maybe he is useful.

Family life

Sorry, but your new family were a family before you came along. They managed for some time without you. You coming along doesn't make an incomplete family whole. Well, not at first.

There'll be times you'll feel like an intruder, spoiling what was running smoothly. That's natural - she'll have routines established and, to be honest, you do actually stick a hefty spanner in the works.

There's kids to be fed. Housework becomes never-ending. Homework needs to be helped with. If there's more than one sibling, you're peacemakers and referees.

She's has been doing it longer than you. She knows what she's doing. Try to change her routines and you'll annoy her. Which may stop any activities after the children are in bed.

Which is bad. Especially as you're unlikely to be getting that as often as you'd like.

So don't jeopardise it. Do the hardest thing you've ever done - change yourself. Fit in with the routines already established. Be there to help with the chores and homework. DON'T assume you can do it better than she can. You can't. Watch how she does it, try to handle things the same way, and don't be afraid to ask for advice. You'll need it - I did, more times than I could count.

Because as I said- it's worth it. Every change, every sacrifice to your old lifestyle, every time you prove your reliability, the time you finally explain geometry - it'll all be rewarded.

The rewards

A while ago my stepson went on a football course. When I collected him he said 'Hi, Dad!' and gave me a kiss. When my stepdaughter went away recently, she called home and told me she missed me.

After several false starts, my frequent bad temper and untold mistakes, I've learned how to love my stepkids - and they love me back.

And that's what being a stepdad means.

'From Lad to Dad' - Book Review, Babyworld 2005

Review of: 'From Lad to Dad' by Stephen Giles
Written For: Babyworld.co.uk
Date of Review: August 2005

What it's all about: 'From Lad to Dad' is, unsurprisingly, one man's journey through pregnancy and into fatherhood. Stephen Giles uses a journal-type format to chart his feelings, his fears and his joys from the first steps in conception to his first Christmas as a new Dad.

Presentation: A short book at just 106 pages, the book takes a simple narrative style, interspersed with words of advice taken from his own experience and those of other fathers who contributed.

Tone and target audience: It is easy to read, written with humour, sensitivity and intelligence. The tone and approach is light, and while not avoiding the more serious issues doesn't make anything too deep and meaningful. Imagine Nick Hornby with less football, a touch less wit and fewer euphemisms for excrement, and you get the idea. I wouldn't class this as a useful book - it's more entertainment than education, despite Giles's stated intentions, and he's never going to supplant Miriam Stoppard.

The good points: There's some good information in 'From Lad to Dad', including useful pointers towards paternity leave entitlement and when you are eligible to apply for it. Giles also offers helpful advice on dealing with the assorted professionals (and amateurs) encountered on the tricky trek to fatherhood.

It's a light, easy read with a good sense of humour, introducing dads to the trials and joys of pregnancy without inducing bowel-squeezing terror or galloping alcoholism. It's small and light enough to fit in the hospital bag, so it could be a good delivery room read.

The bad points: Like many fathers I've met, he seemed to try to make the whole thing dramatic - it's not enough to have conception, pregnancy and birth, it has to be worthy of E.R. in drama and Hitchcock in suspense. This made me take his suggestions less seriously than they perhaps deserved.

One thing I disliked was the tendency to use this book as a vehicle to plug other White Ladder Press publications. If I want to quit smoking, I'll search Amazon and find a book. I don't need advertising in a parenting book, thanks.

Chips, Videos & Alcohol' - Book Review, Babyworld 2005

Review of: 'Chips, Videos & Alcohol' by Alan Charlton
Written For: Babyworld.co.uk
Date of Review: 24 August 2005

What it's all about: Alan Charlton bills 'Chips, Videos & Alcohol' as the essential guide to being a house husband. He brings his eleven years of house-husbandry to the fray, outlining his experiences, and telling us the ups and downs - in his case, mostly downs - of the work he's done raising his two children.

Tone and target audience: This is a light read - short and with a conversational style designed to give the impression he's talking to you between parenting crises. However, it's hard to find anything that really differentiates Charlton's actual writing style from that of any other author. Other than the fact that he moans. A lot. In fact, most of the book is given over to his incessant whining.

The intended audience is, unsurprisingly, potential househusbands and those who, according to Charlton, want to know what it's like to do the job he does.

The good points: When I write these reviews, I like to try and focus on positive points. Amusing and cathartic though it may be, simply savaging a book when I personally don't like it offers little information to the review reader, and isn't particularly helpful. Unfortunately, if I bring that approach to 'Chips, Videos and Alcohol', it would be a very short review!

I will say, though, that the chapter on vasectomy was quite amusing.

The bad points: I read this book twice, yet sadly could still find little, if anything, to commend it.

Alan Charlton spends most of his time moaning - his aim seems to be to tell us all how awful his experiences were, how hard he had it, and how much worse it is for men than women. But it's hard to have any sympathy for a man who, from reading the book, caused the vast majority of his own problems!

For example - how can he whine about how hard the work is, and how unremitting - then admit that he takes his wife breakfast in bed EVERY day, and allows her to sleep till lunchtime at weekends. His wife works, so does nothing to contribute to the household. If a man were to take that approach, he would quite rightly be castigated for laziness. If he's allowed himself to take it all on without insisting on his wife sharing some of the responsibility, he has no right to complain about how hard-done-by he is.

He moans about an unfeasibly large number of changes of clothing every day. Hmm. Try being less fastidious - I don't think the baby will mind a little vomit-stain on his t-shirt - or just learn how to put a nappy on properly to avoid leaks!

But the most ridiculous thing was his complaint about not being able to use the toilet because the baby was crying and he couldn't leave him. Surely this doesn't require the brains of a mastermind - insert baby into chair or cot, insert dummy into baby, insert self into bathroom. In the worst case, leaving the baby crying for a couple of minutes while he uses the loo is unlikely to result in the infant suffering a coronary, aneurysm or long-term stress disorder.

In the end, I was left impressed by only one thing - that the surgeon performing his vasectomy could find a pair of testicles upon which to perform the procedure.

In summary: There are hundreds of books out there about being a dad. Some are very good - From Lad to Dad, for example. This one, however, is not. Avoid it, and spend your cash on something more worthwhile - like chips, videos or alcohol.