Dungeekin's Old Words

Winslet Nominated for Further Award

2009-01-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

(Published in 'The Tart', 15 January 2009).

British actress Kate Winslet's extraordinary run of success has continued today, with her nomination for yet another prestigious award.

The British Luvvies Foundation today nominated Ms Winslet, 33, for 'Best Breathlessness in an Awards Acceptance Speech', following her exceptional performance in the Golden Globes.

Ms Winslet's tour de force as a hyperventilatory winner has been applauded by the critics, with Derek Malcolm of the Evening Standard describing it as 'a triumph of emphysematous excellence'.

A spokesman for Ms Winslet said, "Kate is ecstatic to be nominated for this award by the BLF. She is looking forward to the ceremony, when she plans to raise the bar for awards winners everywhere with a bravura performance of wheezing - culminating in her giving her acceptance speech from the back of an ambulance while on a ventilator.

"Kate's nomination for this award shows that the British Luvvie Industry is still producing the best-quality overreactions in the world. Emma Thompson wasn't a fluke".

Apple CEO in Medical Absence Shock

2009-01-15T06:35:00.001-08:00

(Published in 'The Spoof', 15 January 2009).

Apple CEO and technological visionary Steve Jobs has announced he is temporarily stepping down as Chief Executive of the company he co-founded to take medical leave.

Apple spokesman Mac Fanboi denied reports that Jobs will not return, explaining that the absence was necessary for surgery to remove a malignant black turtleneck pullover which has been symbiotically attached to Jobs since 1999.

Thought by the Apple faithful to be a symbol of Jobs' commitment to minimalist functionality, Scientists have established that the turtleneck is in fact a parasitical creature feeding off its host, and in return channeling its brainwaves through Mr Jobs, a symbiotic relationship now thought to have been responsible for the creation of the iPod.

Mr Fanboi also added that Jobs' absence from the recent Macworld Expo was due to him receiving grief counselling in preparation for the removal of the pullover which is likely to have a negative impact on Apple's product innovation, possibly resulting in items as unpopular as the Apple Lisa.

Apple devotees have reacted with shock to the news, with many openly praying in the streets and at makeshift shrines in support of their technological guru. There have been reports of suicides, and a growing Facebook group calling for Mr Jobs to retain the turtleneck until a new iPhone Nano has been developed.

The turtleneck was unavailable for comment.

Darling's Eyebrows 'On Strike'

2009-01-15T00:57:00.001-08:00

(Published in 'The Tart', 15 January 2009).

Alistair Darling's eyebrows have today announced an unscheduled walkout, citing poor working conditions as the reason for their industrial action.

Their decision to strike was taken following an interview with Sky's Jeff Randall, during which the Chancellor refused to apologise for Labour's mishandling of the economy in the run-up to the current Recession.

In a statement, Left Eyebrow said, "It's just impossible to work in these conditions any more. We're being tarred with the same brush as the rest of the Chancellor's body, and we refuse to be held responsible for his incompetence. And we don't want to have to listen to any more of the limp rubbish Gordon tells him to spout, it's making us go droopy."

He added, "It's not even as if we're treated as a part of his body. I mean, we don't even match his hair. It makes us stand out, it's discriminatory, and we end up being used as a diversion from the real issues."

The eyebrows were originally believed to be Saddam Hussein's moustache, liberated from the Presidential Palace in Baghdad following the 2003 invasion. However, this was proved to be false in 2006, when it was announced that far from being a spoil of war, the eyebrows were just a stupid, bushy appendage to Gordon Brown's sock-puppet.

A meeting has been scheduled at the conciliation service ACAS in an attempt to allow Mr Darling's eyebrows to air their grievances.

Cameron Calls for Commons Reform

2009-01-14T07:36:00.001-08:00

(Published in 'The Spoof', 14 January 2009).

In an unprecedented statement, Opposition Leader David Cameron has described the workings of the House of Commons as "archaic" and called for urgent reform.

In an address to the Batley Townswomens' Guild, Mr Cameron said that in these difficult times, it was time to bring an end to 'Punch and Judy politics', and offered his vision of a new Parliamentary system.

"The fact is, the Parliamentary system is archaic and fails to engage", Mr Cameron said. "We need to get away from the 'Punch and Judy' politics of the past. Having seen 'Dick Whittington' the other day, I am therefore calling for the urgent reform of the Commons to adopt Pantomime procedures."

"The Opposition would be required to have a good-looking girl, dressed as a boy, as their Leader. Lord Mandelson can be King Rat - that shouldn't be too difficult - and the Lib-Dem Leader can be Buttons. "Gordon Brown can play the Dame - that might also improve the way he dresses, which would be a bonus."

Mr Cameron added, "the introduction of 'Pantomime Politics' will also allow backbenchers greater engagement in the debate process. No longer will they be reduced simply to mumbling 'Hear, Hear' at pronouncements - instead, if a Government Minister says something is happening, backbenchers can shout 'Oh No It Isn't!!', with the Government retort of 'Oh Yes It Is!!' clearly leading to extended debates - though I concede that they may be limited in depth."

The Lobby system would also be scrapped under the Opposition proposals, with the Speaker deciding the outcome of votes based on which side of the ~~audience~~ House had shouted the loudest.

The Minister for Justics, Jack Straw, said that Mr Cameron's proposals had merit, as long as he could play Baron Hardup.

Bin Laden Calls for New Jihad

2009-01-14T06:12:00.000-08:00

(Published in The Tart, 14 January 2009).

Al-Qaeda's elusive leader Osama Bin Laden has called for a new Jihad in a new audio tape released to the Reuters news agency today.

In the latest tape, which is being checked for authenticity by the CIA, Bin Laden called for all Muslims to declare a Holy War on the Starbucks chain, after they reportedly served him with a substandard Vente Halal Decaf Latte.

Describing Starbucks as 'The Coffee Satan'. Bin Laden called for the faithful to unite, saying, "it is an insult to the will of Allah that a terrorist can't get his morning coffee served the way he wants it. It's hard enough to get motivated most mornings anyway after a night in the cave, all I want is a fricking Latte, insh'Allah.

"Yet the bloody baristas at Tora Bora Starbucks keep forgetting to give me a double shot, and don't heat the milk enough. It is a direct affront to the Muslim people and we must strike back at these Satanic purveyors of crap coffee with the full force of the Faithful."

Bin Laden reportedly continued in a similar vein for some 30 minutes, before finally denouncing all those who take brown sugar in espresso as 'infidels' and calling for their execution.

A Starbucks barista, contacted for comment while this reporter was buying his morning mocha, declined to comment.

Too Fat to Love?

2009-01-13T06:45:00.001-08:00

(Published on Dad-O-Matic, 13 January 2009)

The Government are frequently heard to proclaim that 'families' are the most important thing in life. We all know that a stable family environment is good for the development of happy children.

We also know the statistics - that children in Local Authority Care tend to perform less well in school, garner fewer qualifications and have lower chances in life than those from a family environment.

The importance of adoption cannot be overestimated. Adopted children are rescued from the State care system and, if the system is implemented properly, placed in loving environments where they can flourish. That, surely, is better than the alternative stagnant future for a child in care.

Yet it would seem that to Leeds City Council, the future well-being of a child is less important than whether the parents eat All-Bran.

Parents banned from giving a child the loving home all children need. Not because they're alcoholics, smokers, drug addicts or benefits sponges - but because the prospective Dad is overweight. It's revolting. Do the worthies at Leeds City Council really think that the love of a child is dependent upon the body shape of the parent?

Or is it just that their Nannying imperative is now so strong, their need to ensure that the lost kids of Britain, already abandoned (for whatever reason) by one set of parents, deserve only the unfeeling bureaucracy of the State as a future?

The Righteous of Leeds City Council should hang their heads in shame for the child they have just condemned.

Rare Species Confirmed Extinct

2009-01-13T01:56:00.000-08:00

(Published in 'The Tart', 12 January 2009.)

Researchers have revealed today that an extremely rare UK species is now confirmed extinct.

The species, Liebore Politicus Competentus, was thought by scientists to have just a few living specimens hiding in the back-benches of the Palace of Westminster. However, research and genetic tests have now shown that the species came perilously close to destruction in the 1950's, with the last pure example believed to have been Aneurin Bevan. The final extinction seems to have come in the mid-1990's.

David Attenborough, who has been acting as patron and spokesman for the research, said, "'Politicus Competentus' was always a rare breed, able to make intelligent decisions for the wider good rather than for its own survival. The 'Liebore' strain of the species was even less frequently seen, and we can now conclusively say that it's completely extinct".

He added, "The species was taken over by a parasite identified as 'NuLabia Taxspendia Moronicae' - but we're fairly certain that will also be extinct by the middle of 2010".

It is believed that the species died out after a surfeit of expenses resulted in a radical change in their diet. Further damage was done following an outbreak of Foot Disease in the early 1980s, before the species eventually died out completely in the Blairitis pandemic of 2004.

Previously, scientists had thought there was a still-living throwback in Dennis Skinner MP, however it has now been shown that he is the last-living example of the species 'Loonyleftus Loudmouthae' thought to have been around in the time of the dinosaurs.

The researchers are now turning their attentions to the other side of the House, where they are hoping against hope to find some proof that 'Toryae Politicus Competentus' is still alive.

Prince Harry In Race Row

2009-01-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

(Published in 'The Tart', 12 January 2009.)

St James' Palace issued an unreserved apology last night following remarks by Prince Harry derided by critics as 'sensitive' and 'sensible'.

In an as-yet-unpublished interview with the Prince conducted in Afghanistan, Harry was reported to have given a clear, concise and unbiased account of himself, and there was outrage at his failure to use racist or derogatory terms such as 'raghead' about the people who had been trying to kill him and his platoon.

His Royal Highness then referred to an Asian officer as, "my competent and esteemed friend, who is a member of an ethnic minority group", a remark which has shocked tabloid Royal-watchers.

Scumbag McRepublic, Royal Correspondent for The Sunday Sport, said, "It's disgusting. When a Royal Prince is being sensible, it just outrages public values. He should be living up to expectation - falling out of nighclubs drunk, wearing Nazi uniforms and being crass. This stupid act by the Prince means we'll now have to dredge up three-year-old events, misrepresent them and find people to be creatively offended. It's very inconsiderate of Harry".

In a statement, St James' Palace issued an unreserved apology for any surprise caused by the Prince saying something sensible, adding, "Harry has caused a lot of disappointment in the family with his remarks, which damages our perception in the tabloids. We plan to sit him down with his grandfather Prince Philip, who will teach him the necessary skills to cause the regular diplomatic incidents expected of a Windsor".

Government Announces New Data Loss Method

2009-01-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

Published in 'The Tart', 9 January 2009

The Government has introduced new legislation on email storage, following a revelation that there was no private data left to be lost any more.

From March, all Internet Service Providers will have to keep information about every single email sent or received over the previous year. This information is to be held by a private company, Data Losss Services PLC, who will ensure that it is left in adequately public places on a regular basis.

A Home Office Spokesman said, "the sad fact is, we have seen a reduction in the number of data-loss incidents in the last quarter of 2008, made worse by people attempting to keep their private data private. Obviously this is not acceptable, and the new policy will ensure this Government has many more opportunities to lose the private data of the general public in future".

Data Loss Services PLC, who won the contract for the Governments information-mishandling requirements last year after their salesman left the tender documentation in a porn cinema in Birmingham, have insisted that they can provide a higher level of incompetence than Government departments themselves.

Derek Lostit, CEO of Data Loss Services, said, "There is a clear need for some new, radical thinking in the data-incompetence field, and we are the company to provide it. We need to look past the usual 'laptop on train' scenario, and with the new mass of private data being provided by this legislation, we are confident of finding innovative ways to lose personal details.

For example, we are planning a major first in the data mismanagement world shortly after the law comes into effect, with the inadvertent posting of three million sets of bank details to a Nigerian prince we've been chatting with".

Stop With the Sanitising!

2008-11-09T11:52:00.001-08:00

I've had all I can stand, I can't stand no more....

I am sick, sick SICK of hearing that for my surfaces to be 'clean' I need to have killed all the bacteria as well, for the sake of my children. What utter, pointless, dishonest, health-&-safety crap.

Firstly, the bloody Dettol advert is in itself misleading. It states quite clearly that "1 bacteria can become 2 million overnight", so you should use Dettol to be clean and safe. It then tells you it kills 99.9% of bacteria - thus ensuring that when you use it after dinner you're going to leave 1% remaining. Which means you'll be well past that 2 million count by breakfast anyway.

Bacteria Maths 101:
99.9% of 2 million = 1,998,000. Leaving 2000. So if 1 can get to 2 million overnight, that means even if you start with 2 million then use this, the next morning you'll have two billion of the hardy little buggers, all of which come from the original stock that survived your chemical attack. Futile, innit?

Secondly - who the hell says that every surface in the house needs to be sanitised to within an inch of its life? I don't plan to eat sushi out of my sink, nor have a quick snack of steak tartare on my kitchen floor. For that matter, neither will my 3yo. And I'll be making my son scrambled eggs, not performing an appendectomy on him (though if he wakes me up at 0530 again, I may feel some temptation. . . .)

For the same reason, why on earth do I need to kill off every single bacteria present on the *inside* of my toilet? I want it looking clean, sure - but let's face it, if I wake up thirsty in the night I'm probably going to grab a glass of water from the tap, not dip a glass into the lavatory bowl. Even if I'm pretty drunk.

I believe - I truly, absolutely believe - that it's hugely important for children to be *exposed* to bacteria. Pretty much all of us grew up playing outside, making (and probably eating) mud pies, splashing in puddles and $DEITY knows what else. Sure, some of us got sick. But the really cool bit is that our bodies defended us from the illness when we got sick, and in doing so developed in us a resistance for the next time some nasties came along.

I know the 'health and safety, protect kids at all costs' would dearly love us to keep our offspring in sterile oxygen tents, breathing HEPA-filtered air scrubbed of any and all airborne pathogens - and they do their level best to guilt-trip us into doing so. But that's not how we started, not how we evolved. We didn't even have antibiotics until the 1940's - we certainly lacked 'anti-bacterial multi-surface biological cleany-sterilisy fluid stuff.

Maybe I'm wrong - but if we already have a plethora of antibiotic-resistant pathogens because of historical over-prescribing of antibiotics, aren't we increasing the risk to our children by reducing their exposure to the bacteria that surround us every day? Aren't we forcing our kids back into the shallow end of the gene pool, and increasing their risk of contracting something really nasty at some unspecified future point?

These adverts attempt to guilt-trip us into using their product to protect our children. I personally think that by their use, we're doing the exact opposite.

(Published on Dad-O-Matic, 9 Nov 2008)

Book Review: 'Dad Rules', by Andrew Clover

2008-10-27T04:34:00.000-07:00

(Published on babyworld, October 2008)

They say 'first impressions count', but in all honesty I'm not so sure.

In 1863 the Chicago Times said ""The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat and dishwatery utterances of the man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as the President of the United States." - about Lincoln's Gerrysburg Address. Seventy years ago, Mr Chamberlain thought that a former Army Corporal was a reasonable man Britain could do business with. Ten years ago, I met a bloke who, quite frankly, I wanted to punch within about 30 minutes of meeting him. I'm glad I didn't - he's still my best and closest friend.

The fact is, first impressions can be - and frequently are - completely erroneous. So it was with 'Dad Rules' by Andrew Clover.

The first time I tried to read this book, I managed to get about a third of the way through it before giving up in frustration. I hated it. I detested this name-dropping, self-absorbed wannabe celeb bemoaning having to do childcare instead of writing 'comedy' that, quite clearly, nobody wanted. I eagerly awaited writing this review, looking forward to the savaging I intended to give it. I dreamed of somehow getting corporal punishment back on the statute book, so I could call for the public flogging of the author, the editor and anyone involved in the publication of what I felt, strongly, was turgid, self-reverential and irrelevant tosh.

And then I read the book again. And I discovered that I was wrong.

'Dad Rules' isn't really a parenting handbook. Andrew Clover just tells you what worked for him. Yet despite disagreeing with some of his ideas (he's a little too much of a rabid 'Guardianista' when it comes to the children not having sweets, for example), what works for him is what tends to work for me with the boys.

The first part of the book, describing his fear of having kids and so on, I could live without - but once he gets going as a parent Andrew Clover brings his relationship with Grace and Cassady to life, and you end up sharing in the pleasure he gets from his girls. He gives us the secret that has worked for him - playing with his children, and learning to enjoy life the same way they do by sharing their world.

Clover shows us how playing with the kids at every opportunity has helped with every aspect of their development, even eating and food. His experiences are good suggestions for us all, and an object lesson in the use of diversion tactics to offset tantrums and the like.

On Saturday, we were out with Josh, who has apparently learned about frogs at school.. and I found myself frog-hopping along with Josh through Oxford's covered market, 'ribbiting' as I did so, completely oblivious to the stares of adults and conscious of little other than the joyous giggling of my froggie son.

And I thought - Andrew Clover gets it. He really does. This is what being a parent should be about.

On second reading, I love this book, and I give it a solid five stars as both an enjoyable read and for the advice it contains. And trust me - if you hate it the first time, go and mess about with your kids for a while, and read it again. You'll change your mind.

Review: Haynes Toddler 'Owners Workshop Manual'

2008-10-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

(Published on babyworld, 23 October 2008)

The Haynes Manual.

First resort of every man who thinks he's a mechanic, oily, well-thumbed copies of Haynes Manuals reside in garages all over the world.

But while the mechanical benefits of the Haynes Manual are well-known and documented, how effective can such a Manual be in the face of the most difficult of all devices - the Human Toddler?

Well - truth be told, quite well actually.

Presented in majestic, Manly hardback in precisely the same style as the car manuals, the Haynes Toddler Owners Workshop Manual is concise, clear, and written by a man other blokes can respect - Dr Ian Banks, who's a recognised expert and, more importantly, has been there and done it a total of four times.

Dr. Banks' advice is well-written and worded in a style aimed clearly at men, and he conveys his required message effectively. For example, "no amount of forcing them to sit on a Daffy Duck potty in the sitting room during Blue Peter will bring self confidence any sooner. If anything, you will still be wiping up the mess by the time Top Gear comes on".

Words to live by, I think we can all agree.

The Manual deals with an exhaustive range of topics, from the standards of potty-training and bedtime routines, through employment and work advice for Dads, to the emotional issues that can come along with being a new father. All are dealt with with empathy, but without sugar-coating the issues - good, sensible advice from an experienced man that other men can respect for his experience.

For the more nervous Dads among us, the Manual also includes a welcome section on dealing with a number of ailments including poisoning, vomiting rashes and earache - all are presented in a simple flowchart style, so that Dads can make a clear diagnosis and, hopefully, avoid being yelled at by our loved ones for screwing up.

Retailing at £14.99 according to Amazon, the Haynes Toddler Owners Workshop Manual isn't the cheapest of books. But it's well worthwhile. I want to keep this copy.

If you're a Man with a Toddler - I recommend you buy one.

'Weekend Dads' Should Still be Parents

2008-10-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

(Published on Dad-O-Matic 14/10/2008.)

So The Darling G and I were in Yo! Sushi on Saturday, and sat opposite us was a father with a somewhat uncooperative teenager. A bit of eavesdropping over our makis indicated that what we were seeing was a Weekend Dad.

They finished lunch quickly - Dad trying (and failing) to communicate, and in doing so showing a woeful lack of understanding of his son's life and activities. They then rolled off, with Dad asking directions to the cinema. I suppose the cinema made it easier for him - after all, one doesn't have to talk when watching a movie.

This is, I would imagine, a scene repeated in burger bars and tourist attractions across the country every weekend. And it got me thinking - does it really have to be like that?

I am one of the many Weekend Dads in this country. But I don't believe that being a dad at weekends means you have to be a Weekend Dad.

I see my son every Thursday evening to do bedtime stories, and we have him overnight for three weekends in every four. Additionally, we also take my former stepson, as his father only visits once every five weeks (if he's not doing anything else) and let's face it - every boy needs a regular male influence. Both The Darling G and I (and, I'm proud to say, the rest of my family) make a point of ensuring that Josh and Jay are treated absolutely equally, and both are referred to and treated as my sons. (But that's another post).

I think it's important, though, that weekend visits and the like don't descend into the 'easy stuff' - cinema, wildlife park, McDonalds and so on - because in doing so, the Weekend Dad is making it easy for himself, not his child.

Rather, I believe that it's better to take the harder route - involve the children in the normal minutae of weekends, with the normal treats that would come to a child in a normal relationship. For us, this can mean taking the boys to Argos to choose some new bedding for their bunks, then to buy some new shoes for Joshua, and stopping for a drink in Mostly Books in Abingdon rather than a fat-laden snack at Burger King. We do Jason's homework together and in the evening we eat together at the table, with no TV (and no multiple-choice dining either, there's only one choice). They get a joint bedtime story, with Jason helping me read to Josh, and they don't get outlandish bedtimes.

We keep to the same rules and discipline as anyone else would, with the same consequences.

Instead of the guilt-trip overload of expensive substitutes, the boys get regular love and affection as a child should. They get stability, a degree of routine and the ability to talk about things normally rather than, as Mr Weekend Dad was doing, an interrogation on what's happening devoid of emotional understanding.

Being a Weekend Dad is not an easy thing to do (it's even harder when one of the children has no biological link to either of you at all). I wouldn't profess to have all the answers. But I do think that by creating a family unit for the times you see the kids, rather than making every time a special occasion, you get to know your children better and establish a more stable, lasting and positive relationship.

Being A Story-Teller

2008-10-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

When you take a look inside a book Who knows what you might see? A story or rhyme - so take the time And read along with me!

The job of Storyteller has a long and worthy history in this country and is, I'm happy to say, an old tradition that in recent years has been resurrected - and rightly so.

However, I don't think it's just the role of an official storyteller, or that of teachers, to introduce children to the wonders of the written word.

To me, teaching our kids to read and instilling them with a love of books and literature is, quite simply, one of the best gifts of love a parent can bestow.

We have the chance to show them whole new worlds inhabiting the pages; to enhance their imaginations and creative skills by showing them how characters can come to life inside their minds; to instil in them a love of the knowledge they can find within books; and to teach them that they need never be bored while there's a library nearby.

We're blessed in that we have such a vast range of authors and genres which we can use to do this. From Dr Seuss to Roald Dahl, from AA Milne to JK Rowling. It's all there for us to read to, and with, our children.

I'm not fortunate enough to be with my two boys 24/7, but I'm luckier than many in that I have plenty of access and I make time to spend with them as well. And for me, the best part of that time is reading with them, which I do every Thursday evening as well as at weekends.

With Josh, who's just three, it's mostly bedtime stories and Dr Seuss - but to see his eyes light up when we read 'The Cat in the Hat' together is just amazing. I've also started introducing him to poetry - today, for example, we were walking around the living room to AA Milne's 'Lines and Squares', stepping in time to the rhythm of the verse, both of us shouting, "Bears!" at the appropriate moment.

Then there was the wonderful moment of reciting 'Jabberwocky' - chasing a screaming Josh around the room, being 'the jaws that bite, the claws that catch'. He loves it, and he doesn't even know he's learning.

Jay, at 10, is more difficult, however Roald Dahl is always a winner. His characters are so vibrant and rounded, his goodies so good and his villians so vile, that it gains and holds the attention of even an older boy. And of course, the graphic descriptions of baddies meeting sticky ends is always popular. We're doing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - and we share the reading, so he both learns and is entertained at the same time.

I've also started bringing poetry to Jay - he needs a little help with his reading at the moment, and the cadence and structure of simple poems seems to aid both his concentration on the words and also on his expressiveness when reading. The choice of subject matter also helps - I find that snot-related verse seems to have the desired effect!

My best friend Loudmouthman recently wrote an excellent piece on the Duty and Responsibility of being a Dad, which I urge you to read. However, I believe that a big part of that responsibility is very simple.

Read with your kids.

You never know - it might even be fun.

(This piece is published on Dad-o-Matic. There's good stuff there. Go and read it.)

Keeping The Viruses Out - Oxford Times June 2004

2008-04-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

Written For: Oxford Times 'In Business' supplement
Published: June 2004

Yes, I know the information in this article is basic. Yes, it's Janet and John stuff. It was meant to be - that's what they asked for.

Keeping The Viruses Out
Nearly all of us use computers at some point in work or at home. And nearly all of us are 'connected' now. We surf the Internet, send e-mail and shop online.

In our daily lives, we protect ourselves as best we can from the things we do not want to happen. We wear seat belts and lock our doors and windows when we leave home. But we do not automatically take the same precautions with our computers.

When a new computer virus hits, we do not learn. Unpathced, unprotected networks slow the Internet to a crawl.

Computers without virus protection spew thousands of copies of the latest worm or virus out to thousands more unprotected users.

The Sasser worm and its variants, spreading across the Internet, infected millions of machines across the world. HM Coastguard had problems with its computers. So did Deutsche Post. So did Railcorp in Australia and banks in Hong Kong.

The cost to businesses, large and small, of a virus infection is vast. Think about it. Your staff cannot work because their computers are down. Your email systems are overloaded with incoming virus-laden mail and warnings from other companies' protection systems. Then there's the cost of an IT consultant to come in, disinfect your systems, and patch them to make sure they do not fall prey to that virus again.

A short time later the next worm or virus hits. And the next. And the next. See the pattern?

It is quick and easy to take precautions to protect your computer and network. It can be cheap too.

The first step to take is patching your system. The likelihood is you are running a version of Microsoft Windows. It is easy to make sure you have the latest updates, and it will not cost you anything to check and do it. Simply go to http://windowsupdate.microsoft.com and scan your system. The Microsoft update sytem will check your software and recommend the updates you need - thenb helps you download and install them.

If you are running Microsoft Windows 2000 or XP, you can have the updates installed direct to your computer, without having to go to the update site again.

Once you are updated, you have a degree of protection aginst security flaws that some viruses - like the Sasser worm - exploit to do their damage.

Once the system is up to date, you need to put locks on it. That means a firewall.

Put simply, a firewall sits between the data on your computer and the Internet, and controls what can get in and out. Just like a doorman at a nighclub, the firewall holds the 'guest list' for the machine and if a name is not down, they are not getting in!

A properly configured Internet firewall can prevent you getting infected from malicious programs or websites, and keep hackers out of your system and away from your personal data.

For home users, a software firewall is usually fine. These programs run in the background on your home PC, protecting it as you surf the Internet. A wide range of software firewalls are available, but two fo the best are Norton Internet Security 2004 and Zone Alarm Pro.

for the business user, a software firewall is not really enough. To keep your network safe from damage and your data free from prying eyes, you should invest in a hardware firewall, a separate, dedicated machine that sits between your server - or main computer - and your internet connection.

Using a separate machine keeps even professional hackers at an increased distance from your important data. Also, hardware firewalls have a greater depth of security measures and more options, allowing you greater levels of control over what comes in and out of your office.

There is a bewildering array of options and products when it comes to hardware firewalls, from basic units up to high-end products. For the smaller business, the best security and value can be obtained from companies like Watchguard and lower-end Cisco models. At the higher end, systems from Cisco and Microsoft's Internet Security and Acceleration Server offer power, security and control - at a price.

Finally, once you have got your computer or network updated and secured, you need to ensure it stays healthy. This means good, solid virus protection from a reputable manufacturer, and it needs to be updated at least once a week, if not more often. Those on a broadband internet connection should consider setting their anti-virus to update daily.

For the home user, consider a product such as Norton Anti-Virus 2004 - this is included as a module within the Norton Internet Security package. Business users can look at the Norton Anti-Virus network and corporate Editions, and products from McAfee, Network Associates and Sophos.

Finally, the last - and arguably most important - part of your new, secure computer environment is your own common sense.

Do not trust to chance that everything will be OK. Make sure you update your patches and virus protection. Do not open an email attachment unless it is from someone you know and they have told you to expect it.

the bottom line is simple - get secure. After all, you would not leave your house unlocked when you go out, would you?

How to be a wicked stepdad - Babyworld, 2004

2008-04-18T04:02:00.000-07:00

Written For: Babyworld.co.uk
Date of Publication: 2004

So you've met your ideal woman. You're in love, the sex is fantastic - you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You're embarking on a journey that's as terrifying, exhilarating, and life-changing as becoming a father the traditional way. Neil tells babyworld what it's like to be a stepdad.

The Partridge Family?

I love my two stepchildren - my ten-year-old stepdaughter (teenager attitude, 40-year-old's cynicism), and my six-year-old stepson (a hurricane in trainers) - as if they were my own. But what does it mean to be a stepdad? What will you lose? What will you gain? Where do sex and beer fit into the whole thing?

I can't claim to offer the magic that will turn your Stepdad-ship into The Partridge Family. But I know I'd have done some things differently, and maybe they're things to look out for.

The easy way out …

A friend said I'd taken the easy way out; getting an instant family instead of doing it 'properly'. While I wouldn't ever belittle how hard it is to be a birth father, people sometimes assume that it's easy to be a stepdad. It isn't. It's bloody hard.

I challenge anyone to have a first meeting with a ten-year-old who's grumpy, wants to be out with her friends, doesn't know why mummy needs another new boyfriend … get the picture?

It's HARD. Sometimes you'll wonder why you gave up your old lifestyle for the living hell you're experiencing. Steel yourself for the inevitable scream of 'You're not my dad!', which will come at some future point. It's worth it.

Father vs father

I think it's good if the children are still in contact with their natural father. My two see their father every other weekend. They look forward to it, and so does he. But you don't have to be better than their father. You don't need to beat him at parenting/ football/sex/[insert pointless pissing contest here]. Look at the facts. You're with her. He isn't. That's all that matters. It's good for a brief gloat, but leave it at that.

You're bound to get jealous when he collects them and they're screaming for cuddles and kisses. It's normal - but there are a couple of things to consider:

First, the kids see you every day. They don't see him that often. They're excited.

Second, remember that children are both perceptive and manipulative. They will sense your feelings, and play on them to gain things like McDonalds, sweets and guilt toys.

There's one BIG benefit to the kids visiting their father. Remember beer and sex? Now's your chance. No worrying if the babysitter got smashed on your vodka and left dubious stains on the sofa with her lumpish boyfriend. No children wandering into the bedroom asking for breakfast or drinks.

For a too-brief time, you and your partner can play at being single. Don't waste it. If their father wasn't around, you wouldn't get that. Ever. So maybe he is useful.

Family life

Sorry, but your new family were a family before you came along. They managed for some time without you. You coming along doesn't make an incomplete family whole. Well, not at first.

There'll be times you'll feel like an intruder, spoiling what was running smoothly. That's natural - she'll have routines established and, to be honest, you do actually stick a hefty spanner in the works.

There's kids to be fed. Housework becomes never-ending. Homework needs to be helped with. If there's more than one sibling, you're peacemakers and referees.

She's has been doing it longer than you. She knows what she's doing. Try to change her routines and you'll annoy her. Which may stop any activities after the children are in bed.

Which is bad. Especially as you're unlikely to be getting that as often as you'd like.

So don't jeopardise it. Do the hardest thing you've ever done - change yourself. Fit in with the routines already established. Be there to help with the chores and homework. DON'T assume you can do it better than she can. You can't. Watch how she does it, try to handle things the same way, and don't be afraid to ask for advice. You'll need it - I did, more times than I could count.

Because as I said- it's worth it. Every change, every sacrifice to your old lifestyle, every time you prove your reliability, the time you finally explain geometry - it'll all be rewarded.

The rewards

A while ago my stepson went on a football course. When I collected him he said 'Hi, Dad!' and gave me a kiss. When my stepdaughter went away recently, she called home and told me she missed me.

After several false starts, my frequent bad temper and untold mistakes, I've learned how to love my stepkids - and they love me back.

And that's what being a stepdad means.

'From Lad to Dad' - Book Review, Babyworld 2005

2008-04-18T02:34:00.000-07:00

Review of: 'From Lad to Dad' by Stephen Giles
Written For: Babyworld.co.uk
Date of Review: August 2005

What it's all about: 'From Lad to Dad' is, unsurprisingly, one man's journey through pregnancy and into fatherhood. Stephen Giles uses a journal-type format to chart his feelings, his fears and his joys from the first steps in conception to his first Christmas as a new Dad.

Presentation: A short book at just 106 pages, the book takes a simple narrative style, interspersed with words of advice taken from his own experience and those of other fathers who contributed.

Tone and target audience: It is easy to read, written with humour, sensitivity and intelligence. The tone and approach is light, and while not avoiding the more serious issues doesn't make anything too deep and meaningful. Imagine Nick Hornby with less football, a touch less wit and fewer euphemisms for excrement, and you get the idea. I wouldn't class this as a useful book - it's more entertainment than education, despite Giles's stated intentions, and he's never going to supplant Miriam Stoppard.

The good points: There's some good information in 'From Lad to Dad', including useful pointers towards paternity leave entitlement and when you are eligible to apply for it. Giles also offers helpful advice on dealing with the assorted professionals (and amateurs) encountered on the tricky trek to fatherhood.

It's a light, easy read with a good sense of humour, introducing dads to the trials and joys of pregnancy without inducing bowel-squeezing terror or galloping alcoholism. It's small and light enough to fit in the hospital bag, so it could be a good delivery room read.

The bad points: Like many fathers I've met, he seemed to try to make the whole thing dramatic - it's not enough to have conception, pregnancy and birth, it has to be worthy of E.R. in drama and Hitchcock in suspense. This made me take his suggestions less seriously than they perhaps deserved.

One thing I disliked was the tendency to use this book as a vehicle to plug other White Ladder Press publications. If I want to quit smoking, I'll search Amazon and find a book. I don't need advertising in a parenting book, thanks.

Chips, Videos & Alcohol' - Book Review, Babyworld 2005

2008-04-18T02:31:00.000-07:00

Review of: 'Chips, Videos & Alcohol' by Alan Charlton
Written For: Babyworld.co.uk
Date of Review: 24 August 2005

What it's all about: Alan Charlton bills 'Chips, Videos & Alcohol' as the essential guide to being a house husband. He brings his eleven years of house-husbandry to the fray, outlining his experiences, and telling us the ups and downs - in his case, mostly downs - of the work he's done raising his two children.

Tone and target audience: This is a light read - short and with a conversational style designed to give the impression he's talking to you between parenting crises. However, it's hard to find anything that really differentiates Charlton's actual writing style from that of any other author. Other than the fact that he moans. A lot. In fact, most of the book is given over to his incessant whining.

The intended audience is, unsurprisingly, potential househusbands and those who, according to Charlton, want to know what it's like to do the job he does.

The good points: When I write these reviews, I like to try and focus on positive points. Amusing and cathartic though it may be, simply savaging a book when I personally don't like it offers little information to the review reader, and isn't particularly helpful. Unfortunately, if I bring that approach to 'Chips, Videos and Alcohol', it would be a very short review!

I will say, though, that the chapter on vasectomy was quite amusing.

The bad points: I read this book twice, yet sadly could still find little, if anything, to commend it.

Alan Charlton spends most of his time moaning - his aim seems to be to tell us all how awful his experiences were, how hard he had it, and how much worse it is for men than women. But it's hard to have any sympathy for a man who, from reading the book, caused the vast majority of his own problems!

For example - how can he whine about how hard the work is, and how unremitting - then admit that he takes his wife breakfast in bed EVERY day, and allows her to sleep till lunchtime at weekends. His wife works, so does nothing to contribute to the household. If a man were to take that approach, he would quite rightly be castigated for laziness. If he's allowed himself to take it all on without insisting on his wife sharing some of the responsibility, he has no right to complain about how hard-done-by he is.

He moans about an unfeasibly large number of changes of clothing every day. Hmm. Try being less fastidious - I don't think the baby will mind a little vomit-stain on his t-shirt - or just learn how to put a nappy on properly to avoid leaks!

But the most ridiculous thing was his complaint about not being able to use the toilet because the baby was crying and he couldn't leave him. Surely this doesn't require the brains of a mastermind - insert baby into chair or cot, insert dummy into baby, insert self into bathroom. In the worst case, leaving the baby crying for a couple of minutes while he uses the loo is unlikely to result in the infant suffering a coronary, aneurysm or long-term stress disorder.

In the end, I was left impressed by only one thing - that the surgeon performing his vasectomy could find a pair of testicles upon which to perform the procedure.

In summary: There are hundreds of books out there about being a dad. Some are very good - From Lad to Dad, for example. This one, however, is not. Avoid it, and spend your cash on something more worthwhile - like chips, videos or alcohol.

Old Words

2008-04-18T02:27:00.000-07:00

This is (another) new Blog, where I plan to repost pieces of Marketing material, articles and the like that I've written for others or had published.